I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. Please joke responsibly. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?Submitted by Bill Warren. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. We recommend our users to update the browser. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. To get to the other side. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. Hes in the village over the other direction.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. A man is on trial for armed robbery. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? But again the camera flashed. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Its not a gong. Between you and me, something smells. Your secrets are always safe with me. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. Sorry, Im not Adele. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. Now, sure. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Submitted by Andre Batista. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Treating those tender spotsyour own and your partnerswith reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. She couldn't control her pupils. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!, For his birthday, an old mans nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. They get really upset. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. Do you own a doghouse? Well! responds the friend. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Wow, this bed is big!. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes The wife says that yes, he could. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. Why did the orthopedic doctor always put hats on the knees of his patients? Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. What's a cat's favorite dessert? Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Ten what? The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. You have to touch them all over before they respond. 8. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? All rights reserved. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Toughest job I ever had? You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. A football coach. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. This isnt even real. I know, he says. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. Submitted by Greg Madden. Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. Exit signs? But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. 10. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? Its easy, replies the ranger. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Im actually not funny. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Tap To Copy. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. No joke. Weeks? These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. BEWARE OF DOG! Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. Will I die? she asks. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Try giving them one of these funny compliments! I think my friend is dead! he yells. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? Dont go down that road. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Crocker, you are just fine!. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. Good Comebacks 1. BBLTHRW. | Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! ! Doctor: Nine.. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. Hes only got little legs. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. Check out our bestshort jokes! You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Here, boy, he replies. Thats Mums side.. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! Student: A drinking problem. Daddy! Keep rolling your eyes. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. Oh look, just put me down for five.Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen? He did what any honest man would do, said the witness. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50! Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. Ugh! the student groaned. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Submitted by Terry Sangster. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Luckily I was the one facing the telly. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing, 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback, 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications, Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny, 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to, All the quotes you need while going through a breakup, Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles, 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life, How to be funny and make people love your company, 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment, 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted, 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback, Ready to charm? will lime break down dog poop, is underglow illegal in kentucky,
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